They say youth is wasted on the young. And I say retirement is wasted on the old. Why do we work during our prime years for recreation? Between 20 and 40 is the prime time to drink heavily, stay up all night and have loads of sexual intercourse. And what are we doing during this time frame? Working our asses raw. We shell out tens of thousands of dollars to get a degree that doesn't profit us for at least another 10 years, in the mean time we're working full time to pay off cars, phones, loans, housing, utilities and all the other necessary expenses.
I say we reverse social security. The second you get out of college at age 22 you should start receivng a thousand dollars a month. So begins the next 20 years of partying. And it's the perfect time beacause your body is ready and begging for it.
When you start decaying and getting rickety and slimy, then that's the time to get an office job. When all you can do is sit anyway, why would you go on vacation? Old people use their retirement to take grand vacations to the bahamas or some other exotic part of the world they haven't seen yet. And what do they do there? Walk around and sit. The same thing they can do anywhere else in the world. Why take vacations when you're waiting to die when you can experience it to the fullest before you're 40?
By the way I'm running for President and this is my only platform.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
TRANSFORMERS WHY WHY WHY
Never in my life have I witnessed a franchise raped so hard in the ass that it is no longer capable of excreting waste. Michael Bay has destroyed the Transformers franchise singlehandedly with his 2 inch penis.
Now I don't usually do movie reviews, but I don't usually watch bad movies. I take great pride in being able to discern which movies are going to be worth seeing in theaters and which ones I'll ignore and let the unenlightened plebeians watch. I've only messed up once, and that was Ridley Scott's Robin Hood. Michael Bay has brought my count up to 2 and so I feel it is necessary to express my great anger at this demon that he has wrought.
First off, Megan Fox's replacement has done something I never thought possible. Be cornier than Megan Fox. This stupid and highly oblivious woman has about as much acting talent as a fire hydrant. The British accent only makes it worse. Her constant screaming and hilariously overacted (read: soap opera) dialogue kept me laughing at all the wrong times during the movie.
Now I'm going to go into NERD WORLD. Transformers has always been a franchise with a lot of depth. What started out as a bunch of cool toys turned into a vast universe with interesting characters, backstory, and more importantly quality. The first cartoon Transformers movie where (spoiler!) Optimus Prime dies was a huge hit. And, with the exception of one or two scenes (it was a cartoon after all), was not very corny.
Here's my main beef. What would've made for a great trilogy of Transformers movies would've been the prequel to what they've currently released. A trio of movies about the War for Cybertron and the origin stories of the characters. There's been this huge fascination in Hollywood with bringing cartoons of comics into a modern day setting when they're made into movies. Sometimes this has worked (Batman!!). Other times it's sucked. Like now. In each of three movies there have been flashback scenes to Cybertron where a minute or so is shown of what is obviously a more interesting story then the loveable tales of Sam Witwicky and his robot pals. It angers me to see such a good storytelling opportunity wasted by Michael Bay's need to put human actors in the film that obviously have either a. no talent or b. really nice boobs.
Now I don't usually do movie reviews, but I don't usually watch bad movies. I take great pride in being able to discern which movies are going to be worth seeing in theaters and which ones I'll ignore and let the unenlightened plebeians watch. I've only messed up once, and that was Ridley Scott's Robin Hood. Michael Bay has brought my count up to 2 and so I feel it is necessary to express my great anger at this demon that he has wrought.
First off, Megan Fox's replacement has done something I never thought possible. Be cornier than Megan Fox. This stupid and highly oblivious woman has about as much acting talent as a fire hydrant. The British accent only makes it worse. Her constant screaming and hilariously overacted (read: soap opera) dialogue kept me laughing at all the wrong times during the movie.
Now I'm going to go into NERD WORLD. Transformers has always been a franchise with a lot of depth. What started out as a bunch of cool toys turned into a vast universe with interesting characters, backstory, and more importantly quality. The first cartoon Transformers movie where (spoiler!) Optimus Prime dies was a huge hit. And, with the exception of one or two scenes (it was a cartoon after all), was not very corny.
Here's my main beef. What would've made for a great trilogy of Transformers movies would've been the prequel to what they've currently released. A trio of movies about the War for Cybertron and the origin stories of the characters. There's been this huge fascination in Hollywood with bringing cartoons of comics into a modern day setting when they're made into movies. Sometimes this has worked (Batman!!). Other times it's sucked. Like now. In each of three movies there have been flashback scenes to Cybertron where a minute or so is shown of what is obviously a more interesting story then the loveable tales of Sam Witwicky and his robot pals. It angers me to see such a good storytelling opportunity wasted by Michael Bay's need to put human actors in the film that obviously have either a. no talent or b. really nice boobs.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Obesity
Recently I've lost about 25 pounds from a combination of P90X and not having enough money for food. Losing weight has made me more cynical about the whole obesity epidemic that is plaguing the US. I'll admit that this mentality of "if I can do it then you most definitely can" is bound to get me in trouble many many times in the future, but I'm going to take it for a test drive in this post.
Unfortunately for me, I currently work at Coldstone while I await my return to my much better hotel job up north. Besides the fact that I'm destined to get carpal tunnel from continued exposure to ice cream mixing, I see a lot of interesting people that compose our clientele. Mainly, people who should not be eating ice cream. I've never understood the logic behind, "I weigh 250 pounds and I'm 5'8". I'm going to buy a large ice cream shake that has more calories than a weeks worth of food."
I think being a man who possesses a penis gave me an unfair advantage when it comes to losing weight. When I could no longer see all 8 inches of my man meat, I immediately realized that I needed to hit the gym and stop eating shit. Women don't have that. Of course fat women will rarely have as much trouble as fat men when it comes to finding booty. If a woman walks into a bar and shouts, "WHO'S TAKING ME HOME TONIGHT?!", some desperate dweeb will take the bait and copulate like a rabbit that night. If you're a fat guy, you better have a lot of money.
I love how people, girls in particular, try to fake diet. While working at the soulless void of intellectual advancement and potential that is Coldstone, I've had women come up to me and order our "Sinless Sans Fat Sweet Cream Ice Cream" in a Gotta Have It (Large for those of you unacquainted with the unique and extremely corny manner that Coldstone chooses to name their sizes). This completely defeats the point of dieting.
It's also stupid that corporations that make food that is definitely not intended to make you lose weight try to tell you that a flipping TWIX BAR has 30% less fat. News flash. If you're trying to lose weight, DON'T EAT CANDY BARS. EAT AN APPLE. If you're trying to lose weight, DON'T DRINK SODA!!! DRINK WATER!
In a nutshell, fat people upset me. Not because they're fat, but because there was a time when they were not fat. Weight gain is not an instantaneous action. There was a time when this person was only ten pounds overweight. Then 30 pounds overweight. Now 200 pounds overweight. There was a conscious decision that was made that said, "Oh I'm getting fatter. I will continue to eat 16" Sbarro Pizzas with Dairy Queen Blizzards."
Unfortunately for me, I currently work at Coldstone while I await my return to my much better hotel job up north. Besides the fact that I'm destined to get carpal tunnel from continued exposure to ice cream mixing, I see a lot of interesting people that compose our clientele. Mainly, people who should not be eating ice cream. I've never understood the logic behind, "I weigh 250 pounds and I'm 5'8". I'm going to buy a large ice cream shake that has more calories than a weeks worth of food."
I think being a man who possesses a penis gave me an unfair advantage when it comes to losing weight. When I could no longer see all 8 inches of my man meat, I immediately realized that I needed to hit the gym and stop eating shit. Women don't have that. Of course fat women will rarely have as much trouble as fat men when it comes to finding booty. If a woman walks into a bar and shouts, "WHO'S TAKING ME HOME TONIGHT?!", some desperate dweeb will take the bait and copulate like a rabbit that night. If you're a fat guy, you better have a lot of money.
I love how people, girls in particular, try to fake diet. While working at the soulless void of intellectual advancement and potential that is Coldstone, I've had women come up to me and order our "Sinless Sans Fat Sweet Cream Ice Cream" in a Gotta Have It (Large for those of you unacquainted with the unique and extremely corny manner that Coldstone chooses to name their sizes). This completely defeats the point of dieting.
It's also stupid that corporations that make food that is definitely not intended to make you lose weight try to tell you that a flipping TWIX BAR has 30% less fat. News flash. If you're trying to lose weight, DON'T EAT CANDY BARS. EAT AN APPLE. If you're trying to lose weight, DON'T DRINK SODA!!! DRINK WATER!
In a nutshell, fat people upset me. Not because they're fat, but because there was a time when they were not fat. Weight gain is not an instantaneous action. There was a time when this person was only ten pounds overweight. Then 30 pounds overweight. Now 200 pounds overweight. There was a conscious decision that was made that said, "Oh I'm getting fatter. I will continue to eat 16" Sbarro Pizzas with Dairy Queen Blizzards."
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Breeding Desirable Humans
http://finance.yahoo.com/family-home/article/112581/pug-beagle-love-puggle-wsj
So today I was on Yahoo! checking the news as I always do and came across this rare gem of an article. If you're too lazy to click the link, basically this dude is cross breeding various types of dogs to create more desirable versions of man's best friend (Goldendoodles? Really?). I think this idea has a lot of potential. We should apply it to humans and get rid of fat people, rednecks, and feminists.
So today I was on Yahoo! checking the news as I always do and came across this rare gem of an article. If you're too lazy to click the link, basically this dude is cross breeding various types of dogs to create more desirable versions of man's best friend (Goldendoodles? Really?). I think this idea has a lot of potential. We should apply it to humans and get rid of fat people, rednecks, and feminists.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
On the distinctions of devices that people tend to have problems with today
On the distinctions of devices that people tend to have problems with today (Originally posted on Sunday, Janurary 10th at 5:36 am)
I want to start off by saying that I have decided that from this day forth, any idiot who sends me another invitation to "Mafia Wars" or some other stupid and meaningless abomination to Flash will die. No discussion on this point.
Now, I have a huge problem with any and all facebook applications. I am on facebook for two reasons. To post obnoxious and inappropriate things on people's walls and photos and to get invited to super awesome parties. Unfortunately, I am currently attending community college so the latter is not a frequent occurrence. This is most saddening, however, this is not what I want to discuss.
What I want to discuss is this new fad that has arisen with multi purpose devices. It is the disgusting and irreverent sacrilege known as needless multi function.
Allow me to explain this from my point of view. In my house and on my person, I use many electronic gadgets. I have a computer for facebook and email. I have a television for watching the office and V. I have an iPod to listen to music and store all other electronic media. I have an Xbox for playing video games when time allows. And I have a phone for calling and texting people. All of these devices serve a unique purpose and they serve it well.
What ticks me off is when devices try to merge these things together. Sometimes this happens in a fashion where it is useful. For instance. The iPhone is an extremely effective combination of phone and internet, not to mention music player and portable movie viewer. Its greatness as a gaming device is very debatable. However few have managed this kind of greatness. It is here where my anger is incited beyond reasonable levels. For instance, the other day I was over at a great man's house with a group watching a movie on his verizon FIOS compatible television. We were watching a good old stupid teen comedy when his friend begins flipping through functions on the television and is amazed that he can play solitaire on this device. SOLITAIRE?! SOLITAIRE?! Really. On a TV screen? I fail to see any greatness in this. We have computers for this sort of mindless activity.
Similarly, and probably more importantly, facebook has a lot of hideous, last minute, tacked on and needless features. The biggest of these are the games. Farmville is the bane of my existence. And what strikes me as the oddest thing about Farmville is that people show it off like it's something to be proud of. "Kelly harvested 10 ears of corn today! HURRAY SHE GETS A GOLD MEDAL!" Or "Ryan wasted a half hour milking his gargantuan army of digital cows!" And "Cindy found a stray cat! She named it pickles!". So not only does Farmville suck away your time as you click on random pieces of digital live stock and crops, it brags to your friends that you have nothing else better to do than click on random pieces of digital live stock and crops.
Sometimes what is even more annoying than Farmville is these random applications I keep receiving invitations to. "Brian wants to you throw an axe at his face! Play axe in the face today!" Especially those stupid social interview ones or those darn quizzes that tell you what kind of mythological winged beast you'd be best at having sex with. No one cares. And anybody who comments on your results is probably naked and eating away their feelings while they do so.
On an unrelated note, I hate people who can't text and talk to you at the same time. Due to my slightly out of date non touch screen phone, I have mastered the art of texting while not looking at what I am saying. And 9 and a half times out of 10 I pull off a flawlessly worded message with no typos. Now, I don't expect all of you to be able to measure up to my near super human mastery of the art of texting. It's a little unreasonable as I know it's a talent few are able to acquire. However, what I do expect you to do is excuse yourself while you text on your lower level plain of existence. I know very few people who can talk at the same time. A deep and meaningful conversation may be occurring until a text message arrives. Time and space has frozen now. The world around is meaningless. All of your priorities and worries have melted away as you have just received a TEXT MESSAGE. Without even the courtesy of excusing yourself to take the message, you take out your phone and begin to type furiously, ignoring what anyone else is saying to you. This is rude. Extremely rude. Gain the ability to multi task or acknowledge the fact that you are inferior and excuse yourself.
I want to start off by saying that I have decided that from this day forth, any idiot who sends me another invitation to "Mafia Wars" or some other stupid and meaningless abomination to Flash will die. No discussion on this point.
Now, I have a huge problem with any and all facebook applications. I am on facebook for two reasons. To post obnoxious and inappropriate things on people's walls and photos and to get invited to super awesome parties. Unfortunately, I am currently attending community college so the latter is not a frequent occurrence. This is most saddening, however, this is not what I want to discuss.
What I want to discuss is this new fad that has arisen with multi purpose devices. It is the disgusting and irreverent sacrilege known as needless multi function.
Allow me to explain this from my point of view. In my house and on my person, I use many electronic gadgets. I have a computer for facebook and email. I have a television for watching the office and V. I have an iPod to listen to music and store all other electronic media. I have an Xbox for playing video games when time allows. And I have a phone for calling and texting people. All of these devices serve a unique purpose and they serve it well.
What ticks me off is when devices try to merge these things together. Sometimes this happens in a fashion where it is useful. For instance. The iPhone is an extremely effective combination of phone and internet, not to mention music player and portable movie viewer. Its greatness as a gaming device is very debatable. However few have managed this kind of greatness. It is here where my anger is incited beyond reasonable levels. For instance, the other day I was over at a great man's house with a group watching a movie on his verizon FIOS compatible television. We were watching a good old stupid teen comedy when his friend begins flipping through functions on the television and is amazed that he can play solitaire on this device. SOLITAIRE?! SOLITAIRE?! Really. On a TV screen? I fail to see any greatness in this. We have computers for this sort of mindless activity.
Similarly, and probably more importantly, facebook has a lot of hideous, last minute, tacked on and needless features. The biggest of these are the games. Farmville is the bane of my existence. And what strikes me as the oddest thing about Farmville is that people show it off like it's something to be proud of. "Kelly harvested 10 ears of corn today! HURRAY SHE GETS A GOLD MEDAL!" Or "Ryan wasted a half hour milking his gargantuan army of digital cows!" And "Cindy found a stray cat! She named it pickles!". So not only does Farmville suck away your time as you click on random pieces of digital live stock and crops, it brags to your friends that you have nothing else better to do than click on random pieces of digital live stock and crops.
Sometimes what is even more annoying than Farmville is these random applications I keep receiving invitations to. "Brian wants to you throw an axe at his face! Play axe in the face today!" Especially those stupid social interview ones or those darn quizzes that tell you what kind of mythological winged beast you'd be best at having sex with. No one cares. And anybody who comments on your results is probably naked and eating away their feelings while they do so.
On an unrelated note, I hate people who can't text and talk to you at the same time. Due to my slightly out of date non touch screen phone, I have mastered the art of texting while not looking at what I am saying. And 9 and a half times out of 10 I pull off a flawlessly worded message with no typos. Now, I don't expect all of you to be able to measure up to my near super human mastery of the art of texting. It's a little unreasonable as I know it's a talent few are able to acquire. However, what I do expect you to do is excuse yourself while you text on your lower level plain of existence. I know very few people who can talk at the same time. A deep and meaningful conversation may be occurring until a text message arrives. Time and space has frozen now. The world around is meaningless. All of your priorities and worries have melted away as you have just received a TEXT MESSAGE. Without even the courtesy of excusing yourself to take the message, you take out your phone and begin to type furiously, ignoring what anyone else is saying to you. This is rude. Extremely rude. Gain the ability to multi task or acknowledge the fact that you are inferior and excuse yourself.
Art is for faggots
Modern art is stupid. I don't hate all art. I just hate art that requires no talent. I used to date an artist who supposedly won "scholastic awards" for her work. Due to my tendency to insult and ridicule modern artists' work on first viewing, I refrained from asking to see her art projects. Then one day I was putting my stuff on the back seat of her car and I noticed a piece of broken wood that looked like someone had coated it in glaze. As I was putting my bag down, she says "Don't break my art project!"
Ridiculous. I looked at this thing. It was a piece of driftwood that went through a Krispy Kreme machine. How is this art? How is this talented? How did this take time? After we broke up, my friend told me another story of her great talents in art. She was waiting in class when she dropped by to pick up a piece of wood with a blue stripe on it. Apparently she had forgotten her "art project." The teacher, obviously confused by this untalented monstrosity of youthful egotism, asked the meaning of the blue striped piece of wood. She said, "Hope."
It scares me when artists are winning awards for projects that obviously took them 5 minutes. It's basically plagiarism considering that the majority of work on the project was done from whatever tree the wood came from.
Ridiculous. I looked at this thing. It was a piece of driftwood that went through a Krispy Kreme machine. How is this art? How is this talented? How did this take time? After we broke up, my friend told me another story of her great talents in art. She was waiting in class when she dropped by to pick up a piece of wood with a blue stripe on it. Apparently she had forgotten her "art project." The teacher, obviously confused by this untalented monstrosity of youthful egotism, asked the meaning of the blue striped piece of wood. She said, "Hope."
It scares me when artists are winning awards for projects that obviously took them 5 minutes. It's basically plagiarism considering that the majority of work on the project was done from whatever tree the wood came from.
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